Hey I love camp just as much as you love camp, but imagine the WHF, or in this case Imaginepeace.com, decided to produce a global warming infomercial, using NES-era / Win95-style clipart and lobotomized Californians, and the whole thing was like “Hey bud, what if you were sailing along, being a kick-ass software engineer turner sales men who just capitalized on his sweet stock options when the company he was kicking ass for got bought for A BILLION dollars, and you’re all retired and revolutionizing the world of nano-technological solar panels, just as like a side project, and you met a girl, like a flippin’ Victoria Secret model, and you like hit it off so hard, and she was really into feet in bed, just like you, and she thought you were the one, despite that way you talk, and then, as a result of global warming and a worldwide infection, which is humanity, the whole area OUTSIDE OF THE BAY AREA GETS ATTACKED BY FLIPPIN’ GLOBAL WARMING-CRAZED FLIPPIN’ EAGLES!?!?!?!?!? Stay green.”
This is, precisely, what Birdemic: Shock and Terror, a James Nguyen production, is like, from beginning to end. It is such a big stupid “think green” cautionary tale that one wonders if the project got partially funded, or endowed, or got tax-relief, as a result of having a significantly eco-friendly script. Given all of the Imaginepeace.com crap, which works its way onto the screen, it might have. But the one true problem is when people said “so bad its good,” what they meant was “so bad it's a really hilarious insult to filmmaking everywhere.”
This is, precisely, what Birdemic: Shock and Terror, a James Nguyen production, is like, from beginning to end. It is such a big stupid “think green” cautionary tale that one wonders if the project got partially funded, or endowed, or got tax-relief, as a result of having a significantly eco-friendly script. Given all of the Imaginepeace.com crap, which works its way onto the screen, it might have. But the one true problem is when people said “so bad its good,” what they meant was “so bad it's a really hilarious insult to filmmaking everywhere.”
Now, it is funny. No doubt. But its also its actors delivering their lines as if they were phonetically memorized by illiterates for the purpose of an instructional sex-ed. tape. And its also lit like a mid-80s Chiquita commercial. And its first 45 minutes are the type of back-story you get between a blowjob-on-the-bus scene and a reverse-cowgirl-on-the-beach scene in one of those classier full-penetration pornos. Except the pornos have outstanding cinematography, not to mention sound, in comparison. I imagine Nguyen wondered, one lonely night, how he might get that sweet beach sound, like they get in the pornos—and failed to imagine how. Birdemic is, hands down, the worst written, produces and performed film I have ever scene. It’s psycho eagles are, literally, an insult to CGI, and I hate CGI. In fact I’d say anything which looks as bad as those eagles, is as yellow and staticky as this film is and which was written with the sensibilities of a five-time concussed Santa Cruz community college QB2 who, as a child, looked forward to infomercial time after Saturday morning cartoons, anything which fits all of said criteria, should not be considered a film. And when I say not a film, I mean not even straight to DVD. I mean not listed on imdb. I mean not screened at film festivals; though Fantasia gets a free pass, seeing as it has a particularly cruel taste for the ‘bad.’
The kicker is, I can imagine someone getting a job as a result of this ‘thing’. I wonder who it might be. I wonder if it’ll be Alan Bagh, who is a monkey, or Whitney Moore, the model who’s ass got bigger, as if magically botox-ed, thirty minutes in. I mean this "thing' nearly makes me nostalgic for Gigli, which I could only watch in five minute blocks. And then I realize it’ll probably be Nguyen. That someone or, worst, some company will give James Nguyen, the ‘filmmaker,’ money to make another ‘film.’ Incidentally, the Birdemic sequel, Birdemic: Ressurection, has already been announced. It’ll probably be another bit of viral marketing for green issues—another reason to think tree-huggers suck. Or maybe just a solar panel commercial. Either way, I’m cringing.
The kicker is, I can imagine someone getting a job as a result of this ‘thing’. I wonder who it might be. I wonder if it’ll be Alan Bagh, who is a monkey, or Whitney Moore, the model who’s ass got bigger, as if magically botox-ed, thirty minutes in. I mean this "thing' nearly makes me nostalgic for Gigli, which I could only watch in five minute blocks. And then I realize it’ll probably be Nguyen. That someone or, worst, some company will give James Nguyen, the ‘filmmaker,’ money to make another ‘film.’ Incidentally, the Birdemic sequel, Birdemic: Ressurection, has already been announced. It’ll probably be another bit of viral marketing for green issues—another reason to think tree-huggers suck. Or maybe just a solar panel commercial. Either way, I’m cringing.
No comments:
Post a Comment